Sleighing Christmas Once Again!

Christmas is an incredibly difficult time of year for so many I do not know where to even begin. It has been a while since I have put up a good blog post and for that, I apologize. I have been writing, I just have not had the time to put together my thoughts for all of you.

Things are going well as EG Weiss is going through such major changes and those changes are keeping me on the road quite a bit. We are about ready to launch the new company and you can bet I will share that all here, but first I want to discuss Christmas.

People struggle through the holidays for many reasons. Since it is my blog, I will share my reasons first.

I hate Christmas shopping. It is ridiculous. If you are a guy and married, you will totally understand what I mean.

First of all, thanks to banking apps and coupon apps and everything else man has created to make our lives “easier”, I cannot fart in the wind across town without my wife getting a notification on her phone. What this means is that I began the season with good intentions…

I decided I would go out early in late October and see if I could get her a few things for under the tree that I knew she had wanted.  I was leaving the first store with package in hand when I got a phone call.

“Why are you at Kohls and what did you just spend $39.76 on?”

Are you kidding me? Before I got to the car she knew where I was and what I had spent.

At home I tried to tell her that she was going to make gift-giving difficult and she said that she would simply make a list on Amazon so I could use that list and she would not know WHAT I got her, just that I got her something.

Perfect. Finally, Amazon is gonna help the guy’s team, right?

I went to the list. The first thing I saw was cute hoodie that I had to admit would look good on her. Placing the order, I was satisfied that I had one in the bag.

Sitting on my lunch break, I saw another item on her list that I knew I could buy locally. Driving across town I wandered through the aisles looking for the appliance and after encountering at least a dozen of the dumbest sales people I had ever met, I found the appliance I was looking for.

It was exactly the one on her Amazon list.

Arriving home with two birds in the bag, I walked in the house with a mischievous grin sure that I was going to sleigh Christmas (dad pun) this year.  As I walked into the kitchen I ran into my wife who was wearing the sweatshirt from her list…the one I had ordered. She was standing next to a brand new 9 slice toaster oven/dehydrator just like the one in the trunk of my car.

AT NO TIME EVER WAS I INFORMED THAT THE WIFE WILL SHOP FROM HER WISH LIST HERSELF!

Thanksgiving was fast approaching and so I decided to go another route… I tried listening when she talked.

As we watched television, I would pay attention to things she would say and items she pointed out.  She would say things like “Oh, I would love that!” or “If we had a few extra dollars I would own that!” or “I have wanted one of those for so long”.  After a week I had some pretty good ideas and as I looked through the list, I felt confident that I could prove myself to be the caring and attentive husband she wanted. At least for 12 days in December.

I did some editing as I did not think that Pizza Hut and Arby products would keep well under the tree but began to hunt for the other items. After acquiring several, we went shopping for the children’s gifts one afternoon.

As we walked through the aisles, she began to grab the things off the shelves that I had put on the list; the things she had swooned and crooned over on television…

“Oh, now that I see it in person I would never buy one of these”

“Do you see this? It looked bigger on the TV. This would never work!”

And the one that made me seriously consider stepping in front of a blood drive bus?

“Do you remember when I saw this on television? I ordered two yesterday and they should be here by Friday!”

I had to find another route. Quick.

I began to shop like a madman, trying to think of things she needed instead of things she wanted.

At the end of the week I had a trunk that was filled with a vacuum cleaner, a new set of dishes, pots, pans, some cool rubber pot scrubbers and work gloves for the garden.

Standing and looking into my trunk I realized I was one gallon of Mop and Glo away from being her ex-husband.

Maybe I should stop trying to buy all this crap and just go with one big gift? Genius!

I approached her as if I was on the animal planet and attempting to get a closer look at the strange and dangerous creature that had been my wife. She was watching a Hallmark movie and eating Christmas cookies. The timing was perfect. “Honey, if I just got you one present, what would…”

That is as far as I got. The creature turned ever so slowly, crumbs falling from her fangs with eyes like a Christmas Eve fireplace full of coals…

Christmas is the time of year when we are supposed to be remembering the Baby Jesus and that is exactly what I did. I prayed to the Baby Jesus and asked him to save my life. Then I prayed to His dad and asked for wisdom.

The next day I took my wife shopping. As she selected the things she wanted and dropped them in the cart, she looked at me with a look I have not seen in a while. It was a look that said “I love you” or maybe it was “I win again”. Not sure. I will accept either at this point.

As for what she got me? I am sure it will be clothes she wants me to wear and tools so I can fix stuff for her. At least we have decided on a system and can move on to a Merry Christmas.

I was actually gonna write about how we should understand that some people struggle with things like money worries, practical issues, loneliness, illness and sometimes even worse, but after what I have been through, I am gonna have to rest a while and cover that stuff in my next blog.